4 months…..4 months people! I get to marry my best friend in 4 MONTHS!
Ok, now that I got that out of my system, I wanted to talk to you about something more personal. Before I start, I want to make sure everyone knows how much I enjoy my life and I am not writing this post to gain sympathy or have people feel bad for me. I just hope that what I say reaches someone who may be going through similar things. As one of my favorite poems states:
“Please look a little deeper, way down deep inside. And although you may not see it, I have a lot to hid. Behind my clothes, the secrets lie. Behind my smile, I softly cry. Please listen carefully to her, She’ll show that she’s insecure.”
As this poem states, everyone is hiding something behind their smiles.
Weight is something that I have struggled with for many years now. I understand that this is an area where a lot of people struggle and I wanted to share my story.
I grew up being a part of many sports and being active. When high school was over, I knew it would be hard to stay active, but I was able to continue swimming and running throughout college. It wasn't until I graduated college where my weight gain started. I was at a job that was very stressful and I was under appreciated. I would come home and eat. I was a stress eater! It become even harder when my boyfriend moved to Texas to live with his family and all my friends had started their careers and moved out of town. I had no one to hang out with, and a job that I was not happy out. So what did I do? I would sit at home and eat. I rarely worked out…or left my apartment for that matter. A couple of months later, I decided to leave my job and move away from my friends family and everything that I knew. I moved to Texas to be closer to my boyfriend. That is were my weight gain got worse. I felt alone. Most days/nights I would spend time sitting on my couch alone, eating. I would eat all those comfort foods. Oreos, Mac and Cheese, pasta and rice. If I think about it, that was most of my meals. I never thought to be someone who would gain weight and completely change after high school, but there I was gaining weight and not even realizing it.
It wasn't until I started looking back at photos from high school and college. I was realizing that the clothes I was wearing in those photos no long fit me. I was naive. I thought is was because they shrunk, but then I started to compare those photos with the lady in the mirror. It was at the moment that I realized I was fat. Now I know that they say, when you get fat, just start eating healthier and working out. Well that is easier said then done. I don't know if anyone realized this, but healthy food is EXPENSIVE! With trying to make it on my own in a new state and not the best paying job, I did not have the money to go buy all the ‘healthy’ foods. I did try to run a little, but that was still hard because of the area that I lived in. I had to find the time and energy to drive somewhere to run….and the HEAT! Texas in the summer is not a good please to run, at least when you are not use to it!
During this time, I started to become very insecure about myself, thinking everyone was staring and laughing at me. And guess what? This caused me to eat more! I kept telling myself ‘ Margot, you need to eat healthier, you need to eat less, you need to go for a run. If you do this you will be happier.” I knew there was always something stopping me. Was it because I was away from my family and friends? Was it the job I had? To this day, I could not tell you what was stopping me.
It wasn't until I started working for my current employer, and getting a hard awakening from my mother, that I realized I needed to change something. I started Weight Watchers and working out a little. I did manage to loose some weight, but again it was the price that got in the way of continuing.
Then became more stress. I lost two very important people in my life within two weeks from each other, and then moved two weeks later. Six moths after that, I lost another very important person in my life. With moving to a new place, came stress of starting new, learning a new job, working from home, and financial stress. It was in this time, that I realized that I needed to start excepting myself for who I am. I needed to stop worrying about others, and start taking care of myself. I realized that I was to worried about what others thought of me and trying to please others. I needed to take care of myself.
Now I am not saying I needed to accept the fact that I was going to be fat, but if I stopped letting these things bother me, then the stress would start to go away and I could focus on loosing weight. This is not something that will happen over night, and that is hard to except. I will have to work hard, and stay motivated. I understand there will be times that I may want to stop. But the drive to be healthy and active for any future kids is some good motivation.
I have started following groups on Facebook and joined a women's study on the book Made to Crave at church. These groups helped me realize that everyone struggles….I am not the only one.
I hope this post helps those reading and struggling. I want you all to know that you can do it! I know I am still not where I want to be, but I will not give up, and you shouldn't either. Be strong, keep pushing and never forget to SMILE. If you every need someone to talk to, please know I am here.
“I believe God made us to crave. Now before you think this is some sort of cruel joke by God, let me assure you that the object of our craving was never supposed to be food or other things people find themselves consumed by, such as sex or money or chasing after significance…Yes, we were made to crave - long for, want greatly, desire eagerly and beg for - God. Only God. But Satan wants to do everything possible to replace our craving for God with something else.” - Made to Crave by Lisa Terkeurst
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